In the month of Novemeber, I waws honored to be a guest blogger on the site of one of my dear friends. I'll drop the link at the bottom of this post. I was a part of #NoShameNovember along with other bloggers.The goal of #NSN was to share our stories, face our pasts, and not be ashamed of where we came from! Here's my story...
When I look in the mirror, what do I see? Of course I see the melanin, the texture of my hair, the dress that I’ve been waiting to wear, and the shoes that I absolutely begged for! But what is it that I am really seeing? Am I seeing the same Majah that everyone else sees? Am I seeing the Majah that I really want to see?
For so long, I have felt the pressure to be this oh so great person. I feel that all of the people around me have an idea of who they want me to be and such high expectations for my life. I’ve always been that one to make good grades, stay out of trouble, and make everyone proud. I almost feel that I did those things not for myself, but to not be a disappointment to all of those rooting for me. I have masked myself to make sure that I maintained this certain image, regardless of how I actually felt in that moment. I got so good at maintaining this image that I didn’t even realize how deep I was in my mess. From the outside looking in, I had it made! MADE! I got up every day, beat that face, laid that hair, grabbed my designer handbag, dropped convertible top, and rolled out like life was oh so good, but only if you really knew! Spiritually, I was dying. That’ll show you that material things, won’t make you feel whole or give you that peace of mind that we all constantly want. I may have looked good in church on Sunday mornings, but because of all the things that were going on when the doors closed, I was constantly creating more and more distance between myself and God. I could tell that I was getting deeper and deeper in my mess, but I really didn’t know my way out. I felt that I couldn’t go to anyone because they would then know that I wasn’t being the image that I’ve been trying to put out there. I felt that no one could know, because then they would see me as being hypocritical or see my work as being invalid. So, I just kept on trying to fool myself with that pathetic routine. Got up every day, beat that face, laid that hair, grabbed that handbag, dropped that convertible top, and rolled out.
We all know that what’s done in the dark will soon come to light. Could I really take that risk? I could not imagine if all of my wrong surfaced. I was even scared to go the altar on Sundays because I didn’t want God to reveal all that I had been doing to my pastor. I had to come to terms with myself. I had to take that deep look into the mirror to see who I really was. Once I got a glimpse of who I was trying to be versus who I really was, I knew it was time to pick a side. Either I would sit in my mess and continue to die more and more spiritually, or I could truly become the image that I wanted to be and turn from my ways. I was very tired of feeling so spiritually dead and empty. I felt as if I constantly walked in a darkness that only I could see.
So, I made the decision that I would turn from those ways and focus on regaining my spiritual health. I didn’t really know my way out completely, but I knew enough to get me started. And I knew that if I took that step on faith, God would direct my path. All that I worked for and accomplished couldn’t be credible if I didn’t believe in the very things I tried to instill into others. I just wasn’t willing to risk all of that. My job couldn’t be done effectively until I got it right. I had deceived myself for so long. I wanted to BE the image. The strong, confident, hardworking, determined Queen that I knew I could be. And this time I wanted to do it for myself. This time I had to do it for me. My question to you, “Are you being or are you deceiving?”