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How God Held My Heart When I Was Trying To Give It Away: The Difference a Year Makes

February 24, 2017



During the Fall Semester of 2015 is when I started to take my relationship with God SERIOUSLY. That following Spring Semester of 2016 is when I started really associating myself and hanging out with more Christians who were taking their walk seriously as well.During this same semester I started hanging with some people from my Bible study, specifically one person. He was this charming, funny, Godly individual and with this guy I could joke and be myself but he would correct me when I slipped up. You can say he was my accountability partner. We had chemistry it just felt right when I was in his presence.


 We had this inside joke of me being his wife and he my husband. This was voiced in front of my new friends and something that started off as a joke became something that I felt was real. Although we were just playing around we would, hold hands, hang out, and call each other Husband and Wife. There was even a rumor going around that we were dating. We weren’t. What I didn’t know in the beginning of this blossoming friendship was that he had a GIRLFRIEND they were the on rocky terms but a girlfriend nonetheless. I was made aware of this lovely fact after my feelings started to blossom. He was the first “truly” Christian guy I had encountered since my walk became serious to me. He was a gentleman, but he wasn’t a pushover. When I discovered my friend had a girlfriend it threw me for a loop. I didn’t know how to respond to this new information, the only logical thing I thought to do was PRAY! I prayed to God to strengthen this guy’s relationship with his girlfriend if it was his will. I knew that I still wanted to be his friend because he was starting to help me grow spiritually. This was something that was important to me plus he seemed like a genuinely good guy. He had never tried to get sexual with me or anything of that nature so I didn’t see the harm in being his friend. I continued being friends with this gentleman and he was the epitome of the word. I would go to his dorm room all the time whether he was there or not. During the times he was there with me he made sure that we were talking about God and the Bible or actually studying the Bible. This was a new form of intimacy that I never experienced or knew existed. While I was becoming closer with God I also was becoming closer to this guy. In a matter of two days at one point we spent 25 HOURS together. We talked about everything under the sun. During this time I was vulnerable and transparent with him and he was the same with me. That was saying a lot because he never liked to talk about himself or his emotions but during those 25 hours he made an exception for yo girl.


 This guy was everything I had ever dreamed of in a man and I was hoping God had made me just for him, because I wanted this guy  to be for me so badly. I would pray and ask God continuously " is this guy my husband?" and at one point I even thought God said YES! He DIDN’T! There was something I didn't know about my friend, what I didn't know was that he was struggling with his own fleshly desires. God later revealed these things to me over the summer and going into the next semester. Fall of 2016 rolls around and we’re back at school. We had a few arguments over the summer but our friendship was still intact… BARELY but still intact. I was made aware that he was FULLY aware of the feelings I had for him and how I felt about him. During yet another argument in his room he revealed to me that he did not return not an inkling of my feelings. Me being the unfortunately prideful being I WAS I tried to hide my disappointment and grief and even suggested that we shouldn’t be friends anymore. After he made it more than clear that we would remain friends and that this was a season. I took time to myself to try and get over him. After taking a month long hiatus from this guy we started to hang out again but it was different. The difference wasn’t within our relationship but within him. His doubt in God began to waiver and it was evident. He tried to assure me that he would be fine and he would get back on track but he never did. During that semester we mended our broken friendship and I took some more time to get over him, like a month wasn’t enough right? It wasn't, it took me a few months to lose feelings for this peculiar individual. Fast forward to this semester and it is very evident that God is no longer his priority or a priority at all. He had finally read the duration of the Bible and had doubts and concerns. It was a few things in the Bible that he just didn’t agree with. What surprised me most about this was that just a year ago he was preaching and teaching me about the Bible. Now we were once again in his room but I wasn’t arguing he wanted me to argue with him so badly and try and change his mind, but because in this year’s time I gained  knowledge, wisdom, and discernment, I didn’t. It was no use he wasn’t listening and he wouldn’t listen.


 After this last encounter in his room I reflected and prayed. After doing so I realized God saves us from things we don’t even know at the time. Just last year I was asking God to please make this guy my husband because he SEEMED right because I basing it off of a FEELING and my “heart”. Instead of listening to God loud and clear I kept keeping hope alive. Sometimes we want something so badly we nag God about it and we even make up our own revelation but God protects us just like he protected me from my guy friend. Here I was trying to give my heart away to this man who wouldn’t know what to do with it even if he returned my feelings and God was holding on to it telling me, “daughter NO don’t give him your heart! “. At this time I was trying  my hardest to give it away. No wonder it was such a battle. I was fighting God and the purpose he has for me. So many times we get in our own way and God is waiting for us to move out of the pilot’s seat so that he can have full and total control. This was the perfect example of everything isn’t always what it seems and everybody you think is for you isn't for you. On this walk there are going to be some people that are there to help you and then they'll be gone. Don't try to hold on or make something out of nothing even if seems like it's something. Just because you get along with a person and you guys have chemistry doesn't mean he’s your Mr. Right. He might just  be your Mr. Right this way. Leading you down a path toward Mr. Right for me.

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